(02-11-2016, 07:35 PM)Lost Rinoah Wrote: Also, you could probably use  editors to modify items to add a personal flair to add a bit of what personality you choose to the game.   Everything from armor recoloriing to weapon visual and effects modification.  Or as simple as changing a weapon's name.

(02-11-2016, 07:35 PM)Lost Rinoah Wrote: I like that you are using a popular style of hook used in creative writing and media.  Although it may be happening possibly too often.  You may want to look at pacing, as traveling takes too long, and it might be better to simply stand in place when characters are speaking.

(02-11-2016, 07:35 PM)Lost Rinoah Wrote: And if you need to, attempt to bring more people who are willing in to help when you feel you need it.

Spoiler for other people

(And your character of yourself)

(02-22-2016, 02:54 AM)YDH Wrote: So today, I flew waaaaaaaaaaaaaay up high so that the blue sky disappeared. Having found an asteroid to use as a nucleus, I thought to myself: "this will be a great place to build that spaceship for the next episode!"

Then it started snowing.

Ah, Starbound... you never make things easy, do you?

Edit: And now I realize I'm an idiot and I should probably just use a player-type starship.

(02-23-2016, 08:51 PM)YDH Wrote: Thank you for sharing my work with your friends, and your continued feedback. Yes, I do consider this a dramatic work (which really hits full swing in the next episode). Mind you, it didn't start out that way. It gradually evolved from the text "commentator" of my FarSky let's play, and you can see the seeds of Rhaomi's character in the commentator's snarky observations. STMB started life as a "what if the character I was playing talked back to me" sort of thing, which is why the "player" character of YellowDemonHurlr exists within the universe--an author avatar is a dangerous gambit, and in retrospect was probably a mistake, but it's done so I have to stick with it and hope that I can make it work.

Ultimately, however, I fell into my usual "bad" habit of blowing everything into a sweeping epic and wound up with a much more serious story arc. If people are interested, I could post my "first draft" of episode 1, which was more overtly a "game" whereas the current story is "real."

Unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot of people get feedback from. It's kind of a niche thing. I was hoping that by sharing this here I'd get the attention of other people who write in the Avali universe, but thus far very few people have left me any kind of comments, and only you evaluate it critically.

Don't worry about your feedback eroding my desire to do the series--I'm well-used to receiving critical feedback on my fiction, and your feedback is always constructive. While I have some doubts about the viability of the project beyond this first arc, I don't want you to hold back on important criticism for fear of hurting my feelings. STMB is an experiment--my first foray into episodic video narratives. If I do continue, I need a strong base.

I am curious why you think of it like a play. To my view, it follows the form of a TV miniseries--episodic, prerecorded, edited, and heavily processed with multiple takes, etc. It's a lot more heavily edited than it might appear--for instance, that long section where Yellow controls Rhaomi in the Miniknog base looks like it was all done at once, but is actually multiple attempts stitched together.

(02-24-2016, 03:53 AM)YDH Wrote: I'm glad you like the role Yellow plays. He's my biggest misgiving about the series--author avatars often go hand in hand with Mary Sues. On the other hand, he plays a very unique role, as you point out, and it lets me do some cool things. Without such a character, my big meta-arc flies out the window. I've thought about replacing him with a character who's not an author avatar, but that would be suspiciously similar substitute which is... cheap.

I don't have opportunity to see many plays, but is this kind of what you're talking about?
snip

(02-24-2016, 10:18 PM)Lost Rinoah Wrote:

(02-24-2016, 03:53 AM)YDH Wrote: I'm glad you like the role Yellow plays. He's my biggest misgiving about the series--author avatars often go hand in hand with Mary Sues. On the other hand, he plays a very unique role, as you point out, and it lets me do some cool things. Without such a character, my big meta-arc flies out the window. I've thought about replacing him with a character who's not an author avatar, but that would be suspiciously similar substitute which is... cheap.

I don't have opportunity to see many plays, but is this kind of what you're talking about?
snip

I
Generally yes.  Plays allow direct or almost direct contact with the audience.  Often taking up the appearance of, as I said, breaking the fourth wall.  Usually done in a tasteful controlled manor, either to make it obvious that it's only metaphorical to prove a point in the story of the situation, or for comedic effect.  When one of the characters suddenly starts talking directly to the audience.  Monsters Below thinks it's a play, giving it a certain charm.  Your character directly is able to address the audience because, you know, it's you.  And you can use this to your advantage to take it any number of ways if you wanted.  You could make it documentary.  Lone caretaker.  God-complex.  Etcetra.  You'd even be able to directly respond to (some) of your audience if it got popular and became a pet project that grew. 

It's a lot more open to adaptation than you think.  It's just hard to write it out as it's always been one of the hardest positions to write.

And I am stopping here before I make someone's head spin.

Quote:(Yellow and Rhaomi are talking about Apex soldiers that Rhaomi killed)
Yellow: Ugh… You don’t have to sound so gleeful about it…
Rhaomi (teasing): Aw, don’t cry, Yellow. I’ll make you a deal: once this is over, I’ll lead you to their mangled corpses and you can sprinkle flowers and recite pretentious poetry or whatever yippies do to honor the honorless dead.
Yellow (deadpan): Mostly we strip ourselves down and moon the nearest soldier.

(02-28-2016, 06:47 AM)YDH Wrote:

(02-24-2016, 10:18 PM)Lost Rinoah Wrote: I
Generally yes.  Plays allow direct or almost direct contact with the audience.  Often taking up the appearance of, as I said, breaking the fourth wall.  Usually done in a tasteful controlled manor, either to make it obvious that it's only metaphorical to prove a point in the story of the situation, or for comedic effect.  When one of the characters suddenly starts talking directly to the audience.  Monsters Below thinks it's a play, giving it a certain charm.  Your character directly is able to address the audience because, you know, it's you.  And you can use this to your advantage to take it any number of ways if you wanted.  You could make it documentary.  Lone caretaker.  God-complex.  Etcetra.  You'd even be able to directly respond to (some) of your audience if it got popular and became a pet project that grew. 

It's a lot more open to adaptation than you think.  It's just hard to write it out as it's always been one of the hardest positions to write.

And I am stopping here before I make someone's head spin.

Yes, those unusual aspects are why I like having the character of Yellow. Well, that and his dynamic with Rhaomi. I just wrote this nugget for episode 5.

Quote:(Yellow and Rhaomi are talking about Apex soldiers that Rhaomi killed)
Yellow: Ugh… You don’t have to sound so gleeful about it…
Rhaomi (teasing): Aw, don’t cry, Yellow. I’ll make you a deal: once this is over, I’ll lead you to their mangled corpses and you can sprinkle flowers and recite pretentious poetry or whatever yippies do to honor the honorless dead.
Yellow (deadpan): Mostly we strip ourselves down and moon the nearest soldier.

With regard to the popularity of the series... STMB is actually the most popular thing on my channel. Granted, I'm really small so that's not saying much, but Episode 1 has significantly more views than anything else I've posted, and if one more person watches episode 2, it'll have more watchtime than my most popular video, despite the other video being three times as long and having been up two and a half months longer.

(03-02-2016, 06:40 AM)YDH Wrote: Thank you again for sharing my work. I'll take another look at that line... it seems mostly okay to me, maybe because I know how it's supposed to be delivered, but it is kinda long. Thanks for the feedback.

Edit: Ah, I bet I know why this line seems strange to you--it's different from the sort of interactions Yellow and Rhaomi have engaged in in the past. That was basically a lobbing "you suck" back and forth but this is different, there's no real hostility behind it, and even a bit of playfulness as the two become more comfortable with each other. It's not rudeness so much as banter.